I’m not the epitome of maturity (definitely still a huge kid!) but as I have gotten older my taste in people has changed. No I Don’t EAT them or anything but I just my capacity to deal with certain things has totally changed. I think it started happening when I moved out of my mom’s house. I wanted better so I started to slowly (OMG SO SLOWLY) change the people around me. I mellowed out and stopped partying – those friends were quickly out the door. I stopped smoking – Also said bye bye to a lot of those friends too! When I started working full time days and full time nights I narrowed my friends down so much by just asking who I would go without sleep for. Think about it – How many friends would you lose sleep and money over just to show up to one of their kids events or to their birthday?
Heck I remember showing up to a good friend’s kid’s birthday party and I sat down and was having conversation with everyone and all of a sudden my friend was kneeling in front of me laughing…I had fallen asleep at a party in the middle of conversation. It was not one of my best moment lol.
Anyway, my point is, I got rid of a lot of people that weren’t adding anything to my life. It sounds so easy when you talk about it but it was genuinely hard for me. I don’t like to upset people or hurt their feelings but when you stop answering texts or stop hanging out with people it starts to upset some. If it doesn’t upset them then they weren’t really your friend. It was work. It kept me from having a good night’s sleep sometimes but I persevered because “I am worth it”. That’s what I kept telling myself. In order to get the life that I want, the friendships and relationships I want, I have to believe that no matter what the decision I made was only made because I am worth the result! I wish I could stick to that when it came to going to the gym but I haven’t found that level of self-love yet.
I only had 2 friends who REALLY stuck with me during my purge and all of the huge events of my adult life. Just 2. I don’t mind that I can’t fill a room worth of friends. For me its quality over quantity so I was okay with things for a long time.
I’m not anymore.
My married friend has in so many ways been helpful to my relationship, my financial growth and stability, my spirituality, and my emotional health. She has in my eyes done SO much for me and none of it was financial (I mean buying me things), physical (we’re not really forcefully huggy and over bearing) or suffocating (we are really good at giving each other space). I like that I can text this friend random information after not talking to her for a week or two. I like that she focuses first and foremost on herself and her relationship. I like that she her and I have had a period where I had upset her and we didn’t talk for a long time BUT I like it because we made it through that. It took time and for our life situations to shift before we became super close again. All relationships take work. Here’s the thing about my married friend. She isn’t socially exhausting to me. Not now and not before. It’s really nice to be able to hang around a set of people that don’t drain you. I could even hang out with her husband and kids (which I have done) and shoot the shit while waiting for her to get home. With THIS friend I get to be grown up best friends that don’t need to talk to each other all the time. That don’t need a daily update or want to spend money every time we hang out. With this friend I feel inspired and inclined to reach for more and to do better. I am not saying that she is perfect and that our relationship is perfect but I am saying that we function in our relationship pretty much in the perfect way I would want a relationship to function.
My other friend…Lately it has taken a huge amount of effort and work on my part to even want to deal with her. I had to have another friend act as a buffer last weekend because when I’m pretty fed up I get kind of mean. I hurt people’s feelings by being so blunt and I don’t WANT to do that. This other friend and I have been friends for a long time (5yrs) but I can pin point the EXACT moment that our relationship started to crumble. She was getting married – I didn’t agree and couldn’t morally get on board with what she was doing while planning her wedding. I pulled back. I was accused of being a terrible friend so I tried to be there and be supportive but I couldn’t it went against everything that I felt and believed in. I sort of meandered along from one event after the other hoping that things would be the way they were before. In October it will have been 2 years since her wedding and at this point I am so…done.
It takes maximum effort and manners to get through an event or get together with her. I dread meeting up with her. I have to talk myself into letting things go and not responding or reacting to everything she says. I find myself drained, exhausted and sometimes very upset afterwards. It’s just an emotional roller coaster for me every time I have to submit myself to a gathering. I try really hard to maintain a civil friendship but I just feel like I’m doing myself more harm than good. At this point I have started to use my freshly made marriage as a crutch. “We enjoy our alone time” “He works so much and I don’t like to share” “we just need time to adjust and focus on us” All of these things are true but not necessarily for that situation. My husband, the sweet man, understands that I have been friends with her for a long time however he tolerates her for me because he loves me. He knows I am not trying to burn my bridges but he is the one that has to deal with me afterwards. So this other friend and her lack of value, weighs on me.
It’s so much more than a moral issue but also that we are in different places in life. She still wants to do bar crawls and go clubbing. We like trying new things when we can but mostly we enjoy just spending time with each other and trying new recipes and we are reaching for something MUCH bigger. We have different kind of goals. I would ideally like to be house hunting in two years. I don’t have the luxury of my parents helping me with every step of my life. Even when I lived at home I paid rent. I don’t live at home and will NEVER, if I can help it, live at home again. My husband may have messed up early on is his life but we have taken many steps to fix it. We are focused on our credit scores and paying off our cars and not the next restaurant or concert to go to. We don’t advertise our every move, condition, argument and problem. We just silently move on and take care to make sure that the ones who support us move with us. I’m not saying this other friend is not supportive. She is VERY supportive. She is overbearingly helpful and supportive but it becomes intrusive. Lenny is my Person. He is my BEST friend. He is the FIRST person I want to talk to when shit goes wrong at work. When I have a problem with my doctor I talk to HIM and not the world. It’s how we are.
The friendship is being held up by one side: her. I feel bad for that. I can’t do my part because I am already done with it. It sounds harsh but it is what it is. I feel like she needs to focus on herself and on her health. I can’t even take her seriously anymore about her health. It’s one thing after another and sometimes I don’t know what to believe. It makes me feel terrible. We see things in such a different ways that it’s hard to even communicate with out a clash of wills that I willingly bow out of. There doesn’t feel like there is any common ground between us anymore.
I’m not saying that the indecisive, drama filled, revolving door that is a young vibrant 20ish year olds life is wrong. I’m just saying that I grew out of it. I grew out of this person and I have no idea how to gently disentangle myself from her. I don’t know how to politely separate and put boundaries down in our relationship since we have been friends for so long and prior to Lenny, we shared EVERYTHING. I just don’t know what to do anymore other than move and not tell anyone where I moved to and to stop answering the phone which is MEAN! I DON’T WANT TO BE MEAN! DAMN IT!